History Lesson

I am not interested in my ancestors. I don't care who married whom or who gave birth to whom. I'm not concerned with their travels and migrations. What they did for a living, their quirks, their lives.

This puzzles me because I'm a writer, and all writers want to know their family stories, right?

Not me. I never sat at the feet of my elders, asking them to reveal the secrets of the past. Sure, if I picked up a few family facts, here and there, well, fine, but I didn't set out to produce a family tree or history.

My husband explains this total lack of interest in my family past as a fear that if I dig too deeply into my history, I'll find it riddled with crazies.

This may be.

I think the real reason is that I like to make up the stories. I'm more interested in the fiction of our lives.

And I'm not interested in life NOW. I'm not a fan of history. I believe in living in the moment.

It just didn't interest me.

So, I may have 16 absolutely crazy uncles or 7 schizophrenic cousins, but I'll never know.

I'm living for today.

Oh, I know they're back there. My crazy relatives. This is a family thing, you see. This "bipolar" life.

So if I know they're there, I already have an affinity for them. Actually, I know them very well.

I don't need to delve into the past. It's just more of the same. Isn't it?

A break in the routine

I don't know about you, but I'm dying from this holiday break in the routine. My body and psyche doesn't know what to do with itself. I want to go back to the normal non-holiday days and weeks.

This is not to say that Thanksgiving wasn't nice, but come on...how much relaxing does one need?

And to make matters worse, it's only going to continue because next month is Christmas. This brings lots of time off for me. I've got to find a way to spend my spare time.

How did you survive the holidays? Any moodiness? Depression? Mania? I could go for a little mania right now. I came down with a bad cold, to top it off.

Now, I know what they mean when they say the holidays are stressful. You're all couped up in the house on top of each other. and you eat a lot. I haven't exercised in months.

But finally, I found a pair of snow boots for my little boy.

I hope you survived this big holiday. Let's gear up for the next one...

One of the Secrets of Life

One of the secrets of life is knowing when to say yes and when to say no.

Think about it. If one had absolute clarity, one would always make the right decision. How many times have I said no and regretted it?

Or said yes, and regretted it.

Let us pray for clarity.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone

I'm so grateful because I'm going to be teaching high school students next semester.

I'm so grateful because i'm sharing a meal with my family and friends.

I'm so grateful because i have a few minutes to write while my son is asleep.

I'm so grateful for pie.

My husband is away. He went to Rhode Island to see his family. So it's just me and dog and toddler.

The house looks decent.

turns out, i had to crack my prozac bottle. are any of you depressed like I am? thank God for prozac.

i'm running low on ideas. what do you'all want to read about? i told myself that this blog would be about bipolar illness. so far i've stuck to my guns. i don't want it to be about my general comings and goings.

my heart goes out to those who are depressed this holiday. pamper yourself. take a hot bath. watch some good t.v.

my heart goes out to those of you who are alone. if so, put some Christmas music on and try to stay focused.

be good,

laura

Suicide

Yesterday, we were sitting around at my brother's 50th birthday party, talking about suicide. Someone said he thought suicide could be noble. Another person said that suicide was cowardly. I said nothing because I thought neither were true.

For me, suicide can be the result of a deep depression. The illness makes you want to take your life. You feel dead; what's taking it one step further?

Our friend's father committed suicide. He was 85, and he was just beginning to fail. He was supposedly in good mental health, but he just didn't want a long drawn out illness to take him out of this life. While he was still relatively healthy, he shot himself.

Suicidal feelings often come with bipolar illness. Most of you reading this post have probably felt suicidal at one point or another.

So what keeps us from doing it?

I like to remind myself that feelings aren't permanent. They come and go. I also think of my family when I feel that way. I think of abandoning my son, and I don't want to do it.

Everyone should write him/herself a letter when he/she feels extremely healthy. In it, he should write to his depressed self and give himself a pep talk; the letter should talk the person out of wanting to commit suicide.

A list of all the things that make life worthwhile.

What would be on my list?

My best friend's face. Greek olives. My husband's laughter. My mother's advice. My son's little voice. My brother's teasing. My other brother's cruises. Fall leaves, bargain shopping, Christmas lights, homemade cookies, clean sheets, a warm dog, getting dressed up, cooking, fresh tulips...

What's on your list?

My able-bodied, extremely wealthy friend who has everything

What does one get the person who literally has it all? To top it off, I'm on a limited budget.

any suggestions?

Cat Fight

I have two disabled friends with whom I'd like to do things. You know, hang out with them. The problems is that the one disabled friend looks down on the other. I wish we could all get together and hang out.

Do you ever notice a hierarchy to your disabled friends? Some people are just higher on the pecking scale. The ones who work seem to sit a little higher than the ones who don't. The ones who are independently wealthy are high on the scale.

Can't we all get along?

Why can't these two women and I enjoy each other? Being disabled does not mean that you're automatically enlightened about the disabled. This isn't coming out right. Being disabled has broadened my spectrum of with whom I want to associate. I don't mind associating with people with "problems." But disabled people are all different. Some are even more close-minded than able-bodied people.

It makes sense that some disabled people really don't like disabled people. Maybe these people remind them of their problems.

I'm going to try to get these two women together. I'll keep you posted.

If you could have been born w/o bipolar illness

I'm not sure I'd rather be normal. If I were normal, I might not be able to write. If I were normal, I wouldn't know the extremes of the human brain. If I were "normal," I wouldn't be me. I might have different problems.

I wouldn't change anything if I could. Except I'd do away with the acne and the weight gain.

Would you change your bipolar status if you could?

People say they'd keep their problems over someone else's. It's not greener on the other side of the fence.

Lithium Acne

My biggest complaint with being "crazy" right now is Lithium Acne. My face is covered with huge cysts. Not just little pimples, but big cystic acne.

I used to be beautiful.

I put makeup on to cover them up, but it just looks worse. Does anyone know anything that works on Lithium acne?

I've tried everything and nothing works.

I tried that Proactive, and antibiotics both oral and topical, simple clearasil, Avon acne products, numerous prescription creams and lotions...

Quite frankly, the thing that works the best is the cheapest remedy--good, ole Clearasil.

I'm having my brown hair streaked professionally to offset my ugly pimples. I just bought some new jeans that hang low at my waist to try to show off my BOD. Anything to take away from my Lithium face.

I would love to hear how you guys deal with this. And I can't go off Lithium. I've tried Lamictal and seizure meds, but I can't tolerate them. so i'm stuck on the big Lithium nightmare.

Does anyone have any advice?

Running out of Meds

Last night, I looked at my bottle of Lithium and discovered that I had only one pill left. Not even enough for the next day.

You know how this goes. You scurry to your medicine cabinet, throw the door open, dig around for some old bottle of Lithium you've forgotten about. Well, lo and behold, I found a spare bottle of this precious drug. I had enough to last me until my mail order drugs came in a few days.

Don't you hate to bother your shrink for a drug refill on weekends? I've heard that shrinks like the low-key, nonbothersome patients the best. So I didn't want to call his answering service and have him paged. God only knows what he'd be doing. I just didn't want to interrupt.

I should be a better planner with my meds. I should never run out. Do pharmacies give you meds in an emergency w/o a prescription?

The PHFBP

The Professional, High-Functioning, Bipolar Patient

There exists what I’d like to call the PHFBP, or the professional, high-functioning bipolar patient.
When looking at the PHFBP, it would appear that he faces few problems. He is compliant in his treatment. He is successful in his job; he may be married and have children; he has friends, and in essence, he is happy. For the therapist, this patient might be called "the model patient." In reality, although this patient is seen as a "model" patient, he still must cope with several, important life issues. I know because I’m a PHFBP and have been one for several years.
The issues are as follows:
1. Do I really need to take my meds?
Medication is a sticky subject. It’s usually visible, either sitting out or in a cabinet. Just sitting there for any nosey guest to come along. Medication also can put on the pounds. Like around 50 pounds. It’s a hassle to take it every day. A nuisance. Life would be much easier without it. Wouldn’t it?
2. Should I "come out" in my family, the neighborhood or at work?
I really want to tell people, but I’m afraid of the after effects. Will they lose trust in me? I feel like an imposter, like I can’t truly be myself. Who am I, really?
3. Can I take (normal and not-so-normal) risks?
I know that if I go to New York city, it might set me off. But I love New York city. There’s no other city like it. Should I go?
4. How do I cope if I start to get ill?
Who will watch my child? Can I work if I’m delusional? I’m in remission now, but there’s no cure to this thing. What will happen if I get sick?
5. Should I marry?
Who would want to marry me? I don’t trust my own brother. How can I trust a total stranger?
6. Should I have/raise children?
Will I pass the illness to my child? Will children be too much stress? Will anyone let me adopt?
7. How much responsibility can I handle at work?
I love what I’m doing, but I feel like I’m on a tightrope, like I might fall off at any minute. Should I ask for a promotion or stay where I am? Does more work make me sick?
8. How does my illness relate to my spirituality?
I once thought I was Jesus. Does this make me closer or farther from God? If I can’t get out of bed to go to church, will I be pardoned?
9. Will I become seriously ill again?
I can’t go back in the hospital. Someone will find out. I hate how in the hospital you can’t lock your door. Will I survive another hospitalization?
10. Should I be proud of myself?
Does my sickness make me stronger than the average person? If I show the world how well I am, will the sickness come back and bite me in the butt?

Yes, I know what you’re saying. "Life isn’t perfect." This is true. And this is my message for today. Life isn’t perfect. You can be a model (i.e. perfect) patient, but you can still live precariously amidst numerous difficult issues.

All we can do is our best with what we are given.

I'm a PHFBP. Are you?

Necessities for Surviving Mental Illness

"Mr. Jones, what we're dealing with here is bipolar illness..."

"Mr. Smith, you're suffering from acute schizophrenia."

"Mrs. Morris, have you ever heard of obsessive compulsive disorder?"

Learning that you have a major mental illness is a huge blow. You mourn your old, illness-free life. You may get depressed at the diagnosis. Your body might be adjusting to the new medication. You may feel isolated. In short, the first few months after learning that you're mentally ill aren't very fun.

But as time goes on, you become resigned to the fact that you have mental illness. And you look for ways to cope.

I've been bipolar since 1991. Below are some of my crucial necessities for surviving mental illness:

A good friend. My friend is Mary. Her father suffers from depression, and she from OCD. So she’s in the biz. The show biz called "mental illness." Sometimes, just talking to her on the phone shrinks my head. It’s her compassion.

A good bipolar cocktail. Medication is a must, I think. I myself am on four meds. Something for mania; something for anxiety; something for depression and something for a touch of obsessive compulsive disorder.

A good television show, something you can lose yourself in. For me, this is "Sex and the City." I never miss it on Tuesday nights on TBS. Those gorgeous shots of New York and those gorgeous women and gorgeous clothes.

A good psychiatrist. Let’s face it. Your doctor is your best friend. It helps if he or she is cute.

A good form of exercise. For me, it’s walking the dog and the baby. Around the block. Sometimes twice a day. Best done with a walking partner.

A good, supportive spouse. If you don’t have one, get one.

A good favorite dessert. Mine is the seven layer cookie bar. Melt butter; add crushed graham crackers; add walnuts, chocolate chips, coconut and sweetened condensed milk. Bake. Eat.

For women, good make-up. Lots of it. When I was in the hospital, there was a doctor there who thought that if a woman wore make-up, it was a sign that she was sane. This has rubbed off on me, and consequently, I always wear make-up. I’m a Clinique woman, myself.

A good car. People judge you by your car. If you drive a junker, they look down on you. Then, if they find out you’re mentally ill, the really shy away from you.

Good, nice clothes. Dress nicely. I went through a tee-shirt and shorts stage. No one took me seriously. And they didn’t even know about my mental condition.

A good pet. I have a beagle. He’s very nice to cuddle at the end of the day. I also like the smell of his feet. They smell like earth. Pets keep you happy. You take care of them, and they take care of you.

A good computer. Even if you don’t feel like going outside, with a computer and an internet connection, you can do a lot. Shop. Talk to friends. Research. Watch movies. Order stamps.
Write.

A good, supportive family. Don’t alienate them. I know it’s easy to do when you’re sick. Keep the channels open. They are your main life source.

A good, favorite restaurant. Even sad, depressed or completely high lunatics need food. My favorite restaurant is an Indian one. Raj Mahal.

A good job. This is perhaps the most important thing bipolar people need to survive. Something to do. I used to teach college students how to write. Now, I do freelance writing and teaching. You’ve got to have something to do with your time. If you’re on disability and can’t work, volunteer. Do something.

A good daycare or babysitter. You need time away from your kids.

And there you have it. My list of necessities for survival.

These things don't make life perfect, but they definitely make it easier.

What are your necessities?

bipolar scholarships

Does anyone know if there are any scholarships for bipolar youth?

One thing is for sure, they are certainly deserving. They get good grades, volunteer, participate in extracurricular activities AND battle a brutal disease all at once.

If I had any money, I would set up a scholarship fund for bipolar kids. Anybody out there with money and the desire to do something charitable, this might be your platform.

Think about it. There are scholarships for boy scouts, people of Armenian descent, ballet dancers, football players, children of Lion's Club participants...the list goes on and on. There should be some solid scholarships for bipolar young people.

How would a person qualify? Again, he'd have to be a solid student with a history of acute bipolar disease. He should have a future plan for college and after college. He should be worthy of such an honor.

If you want to set up such a scholarship fund, you might contact NAMI, National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. They might be about to help you.

Think about it. It's such a worthy cause...

Support Groups

I said in my last post that bipolar support groups are good places to find compatible friends.

I think this is true, but I have to be honest about the rest of my feelings about support groups.

I don't like them. For several reasons.

Why I don't like bipolar support groups:

1. They're big downers. Everyone is complaining about something.

When I go to support groups, I get depressed. I have a job, a husband, a house, a child. Many of the people at support groups have nothing. It's brings me down.

2. Everyone is usually very sick.

Since I'm in remission, I don't like to be around sick people. It's funny, but manic people can actually make me manic. I would be interested in hearing if this happens to anyone else. It's like their mania rubs off on me. I generally have to stay away from very sick bipolar people.

3. I don't want to tell my business to strangers.

Ironic, isn't it? Here I am, talking to you, a total stranger, but it's different somehow...

4. There's usually no food.

I like my groups to feature food. All the bipolar groups I've been to have been w/o food...

5. I met an ex at a support group.

The relationship turned out to be very destructive. Support groups are terrible places to meet love interests, in my opinion. They're ok for friends, but not lovers.

So anyway, I really don't like support groups. You may have better luck there.

I think they're great for people who don't have family or friends. As I said, they provide instant "friendship" to those who need it.

Be careful. Don't spill your guts until you're comfortable and know something about to whom you're spilling...

I would love to hear how you feel about bipolar support groups. Leave me a comment...

The people who love you anyway...

Let's hear it for the people who love you anyway!

They don't care if you're bipolar. They just value your common sense. They're the ones who ask you to write recommendations for them. The ones who put your name down first on an invitation list. The ones who invite you to their children's baptisms.

I'm so grateful for these people who see beyond my illness. I have friends that don't think of me as bipolar.

If you don't have friends, get some. Find someone who intrigues you, who delights you. Get your confidence up and call them. Ask them to go to a play at a local theater. Better yet, take a shower, take your meds, put on some cologne and have a party.

Wait until you know someone well to drop the bomb on them. If they abandon you, so be it. Look for another friend.

I used to ask people, "Can I be your friend?" I don't see anything wrong with this approach.

Read their response. If they hem and haw...if they say, "I have enough friends; I don't need any more," just move on.

Sometimes, people are in the right mood. They're looking to take on new friends. Sometimes they're not.

We've all been distanced by people, and we've all distanced people. You've got to look for that perfect person who will just eat you up.

Try going to a bipolar support group. There, you'll find people like you. There you can probably find friends.

Good luck.

I couldn't do this w/o friends. I wish you friends, friend...

Remission

Remission. What a nice word.

When you're in remission, you can't imagine ever being crazy sick again. Maybe a little paranoid, but not full-blown "episode" sick.

You do the laundry, feed the baby, make love to your husband--and you're well. You're lucid. You're in your right mind.

One thing is for sure, there was enough "energy" with my prior episodes to never forget sickness.

In a way, I'm not bipolar any more. I'm "in remission." But the funny thing is, it could come back at any time. Mania doesn't seem to strike any more, but depression does. Depression sinks over me, and then I'm done. I'm ill.

I miss mania. Last year, I really missed it. My life was so predictable. I wanted "the joy of happy mania," not "sad mania." Happy mania is a blast. You feel absolutely fabulous. You can to anything, understand everything. You're literally on top of the world.

I missed that. My remission was completely lack luster.

Maybe I should write a piece called "the drawbacks with remission."

...